cut the string 14.0 – the one where i cuss a lot

so i have not written in quite a long time. the fact of the matter is that i’m fucking depressed about the whole weight loss thing. the jillian videos, the physical therapy…i know that they are working, i know that they are doing what they are supposed to because inside i FEEL better…i just want to LOOK better, and WEIGH less.

it’s such a goat fuck….i know that i am wearing clothing sizes that are smaller then what i have worn in a long long time….clothing sizes i was wearing before i got pregnant. so why do i look at the scale and see nothing has changed? how much does all the metal in my leg really weigh? and why the fuck, when i look in the mirror, do i see the exact same person looking back at me? when i wear the clothes that are smaller sizes then what i’m used to, i feel like a fraud. i don’t want to be THAT girl who has fat rolls hanging over the top of her bra straps, or the muffin top over her jeans.

“you don’t look different, but you have changed, i’m looking through you, you’re not the same”

why do the beatles always get it right?

so at what point do i judge myself and how much i have changed….

lets look at the past year. i am at the one year mark of being vegan. i have gone from eating out more times a week then i would like to admit, to eating out twice a week. once at my beloved golden harvest, and our wednesday night before church tradition of noodles and company. i now make almost every thing that we put in our mouth from scratch. this week i start my bread making venture. it is the last thing that i don’t make myself. i have been purchasing  vegan bread from a bakery. it is amazing to me the amount of money i have saved on food by purchasing big bags of staples. when i look around my kitchen i find a sweet satisfaction in seeing the big burlap sack of basmatti rice, and the big flour bag of whole wheat flour, and the paper sack of bread flour, and the paper sack of corn meal. i am so proud of myself for figuring out all these ways to make food that i never thought a vegan would eat. it’s more then just salads, people!

so, if i have the healthy food thing under control, and i have the work out thing under control (as much so with an injury like mine), and i have the portion thing under control, then what the hell is my problem? i feel like i’m missing out on something.

it seems like deep down i should be happy about this. my impact on my health (and the environment!) that this “diet” has made should have me ecstatic! feeling good on the inside is what counts right? i think what it comes down to, is that i am still fighting all the fat stereotypes. it’s one thing to look at me and assume that i’m lazy and i eat fried food and twinkies all day, because that is the association. i am fat, so i must be like that. i must have no idea what it is to be healthy. when, in actuality, i prob eat better then most of the people in this coffee shop i am in right now. i look at the food in my grocery cart, and i know i’m in the right.

so now it’s my issue…..damnit, why do i fucking care so much about what people think anyway….

cut the string – 13.0 – the one the boys dont want to read

so another week, another weigh in, another pound. another. one. pound.

i am going to take it, i am going to be happy with it. i lied. i’m frustrated with it, happy, no, but accepting of it. yes. yes, one little pound, i love you and accept you as you depart your way from my body.

i was really figuring that this was the week i dropped nothing, or worst of the worst, gain one. i’m due to start my fucking period in the next 2 days, and LADIES, we all know how that lil gem of life affects our weight fluctuation. i really hate how one stupid little event can cause so much ruckus in our lives! our iron levels go crazy, our blood flow to the brain is out of control, we feel like shit, chocolate, potato chips, everyone has something…..and men seem to think that a bottle of pamprin is somehow going to make them less annoying….like magic. there are some jeans that can’t be worn five days a month, and every woman who deals with this has that special section of her underwear drawer. ugh. working out sucks hard core when you feel like shit. the ONE good thing, is that after a work out, the cramps usually, by some miracle, seem to feel better, as much as we hate to admit it. well, at least most if not all of the ladies in the challenge have to go through the same thing.

speaking of the group…last week as a whole the 22 ladies lost 39.5 pounds, for a 3 week total of 177.9 pounds! wow! there are some ladies in that group that are seriously kicking it!

it was actually a pretty hard day for me. i saw my surgeon, the one who put my leg back together after my car accident. a year and a half has passed, and it was decided that i have reached my maximum point of healing. meaning the limitations that i do have, i am going to have. that i have reached the point where i need to start accepting the limitations that i have and move forward with my life dealing with them. i knew that this point was coming. i had a real hard time sleeping last night, just thinking about what he was going to say. i know that in reality i am so lucky. luck is not even the word for it. i am blessed, through and through. but sometimes it’s so hard to see that. it’s really defeating to have it all laid out on paper for me that i will never be able to return to the job that i had. i know that in a few weeks i will see this as the great opportunity that my brain knows it is, but at the moment, i am heart broken.

always moving forward…

cut the string – 12.0

the last few days i have been stuffing my face with salad. i found a ginger pear dressing at my local grocery store that is vegan! i love it when i am walking down the aisle and i see that little heart with the ‘v’ in the middle. it’s good to know that my local grocery is taking the time to stock not only products that are vegan, but are labeled as so on the package. this ginger pear dressing has such a creamy consistency, if the bottle had not been labeled i don’t think i would of even picked up the bottle to look at the ingredients list. i would of grabbed my usual and been on my way.

time for the honesty – i have not been working out like i know i should be. i have 100 excuses why i have not, but i wont list them. that is not the point. ugh. the fact of the matter is that it’s about so much more then just weight loss, no matter how slow it feels like i am losing it. it is about being healthy, no matter what body i am in. i keep reminding myself that just because the world has a hard time accepting that a fatgirl can still be a healthy girl, i don’t have to be the same way. so work out, weight loss or not!

i think i have gotten it all wrapped up in my head that it’s ok that i did not work out, because i have been eating salad. WRONG. my leg injury did not heal by sitting around with it propped up on a pillow, and i wont be healthy simply by eating right. vegan does not always = healthy, though i have been maintaining a healthy AND vegan diet. i will have to post my vegan no bake cookie recipe. they have become a favorite of my sons second grade classroom, and pretty much anyone who has tried them.

i really hope we get a little bit of snow melt here, i have feeling like the trails are pulling at my heart…

cut the string 11.0

rice cakes and natural peanut butter have been my best friend the last few days. one of those with a tablespoon of peanut butter is the best lo cal breakfast ever. they make a really good snack as well. it is so hard to find snacks that are satisfying, but the pb/rice cake compo really nails it.

tonight i made a jasmine rice to put the leftover curry soup from last night on. i started by toasting the uncooked rice in a blend of olive and sesame oil. sesame oil is really sensitive to heat, and it does burn easily, which is why i mix it with olive oil. so if you go for this, be warned, but the sesame oil flavor is totally worth it. i toasted the rice until i could see the starch released and a decent portion of the rice had turned a toasty brown. then i poured the water that i already had boiling over the rice, turned down the heat, covered it and let simmer. the package said the rice should take 15 min, but it only took 10. i used a little bit more sesame oil over the top and the fluffed it up. it was, by far, the most perfect batch of rice i have ever made. it was quite the treat as well. we only eat brown rice in this house, but i have had such a craving for a good indian basmati rice i had to do something about it. i had zero time to go track some down, and the local grocery had jasmine, so why not. the sesame oil really complimented the jasmine rice, and the curry over the top was fantastic. i used 3 cups of water to 2 cups of rice.

yes, world, vegans eat a lot more then just salad!

i was excited to see the weigh in results from the challenge. everyone is doing so well! 2 weeks down! as a whole, we have lost 140.9 pounds!!! what the heck is that about?! in 2 weeks! amazing, really. i love it!

i think tomorrow i am going to check out another one of the jillian workout dvds, the ‘banish fat, boost metabolism’ one (not that the 30 day shred isn’t fantastic!). in a way it is a little frustrating to know that i eat so healthy, and remain as active as i can with my injury, and still lose weight so slowly. i’m excited to see how she has worked the metabolism boost into her exercises.

i will report tomorrow with my, hopefully, boosted metabolism….

cut this string 10.0

i have been feeling uninspired. i dont know why. winter is hard. the 30 day shred workout is amazing! this week i lost 1.5 lbs. slow and steady. it is a little frustrating.  a LITTLE. better then nothing, and i know this, but it does not make is easy.

tonight i made soup, again. this time i did a thai curry and coconut milk base. i made the soup a little thicker this time, and put it over udon noodles for dinner. it will be good reheated even without the noodles. healthy vegan food makes for a happy body.

i am very excited to see the results from the weigh in on the challenge. it’s so exciting to know that all these women are supporting each other to make healthy life changes. i know i saw posted on the challenge facebook page that one lady has lost 11 pounds in the two weeks! how amazing is that? everyone seems to be doing different things as far as how we are eating. i am vegan, i see a lot of women using weight watchers points, i have seen one talk about incorporating salads into her diet. 3 cheers for raw veggies! the one thing across the board is this….exercise. it is the one thing that we are all doing, and the one one thing i know is the deal breaker.

now to find my inspiration….

cut the string 9.0

today i started the jillian michaels 30 day shred. OMFG! whoo hoo! she drove me to tears. that workout IS a workout. i had to modify a lot of it for my leg. it’s circuit style so seems like as soon as you’re ready to die from what you are doing you move on to the next thing. jumping jacks is one thing that i can not do, but i did the arm movements and i just kinda ran in place. i did the same for the ‘jump rope’ part, doing the arm movements and running in place, sorta hopping back and forth. i can deal with that, but jumping is something that i can not do. the push up portion i also did the modified push up on the knees. it is SO hard not to get fixated on the things that i can’t do….if you are looking for a workout that will kick your ass, this is one.

for breakfast i have been eating 2 tablespoons of natural peanut butter with carrots on the days i don’t have protein shake. dinner was hummus with whole wheat pita and mujadara. i love middle eastern food. its easy to stay vegan with them. i had 2 rice cakes for a snack tonight. rice cakes have come a long way since the 80s. the package says that you can not heat them in the toaster or the microwave. be warned.

i really hate that everyone keeps asking me to buy girl scout cookies…

cut the string 8.0

today my body was SCREAMING at me after that test yesterday. i still put in some workout time tho. i’m proud. i am about to embark on the julian michaels 30 day shred. brooke posted that she was about to start level 2, so im excited to see what this program is all about. and as she is our fearless leader in more then one right (she is the leader in % lost right now) i’m willing to copy her. thanks brooke!

today i posted on the challenge page about the sugar free mocha at biggby (beaners). a tall with soy milk and no whipped cream is only 222 calories. how is that for a chocolate coffee fix. yum. vegan, and delicious. for my non vegan buddies, the low fat milk option is only 186 calories.

today i got some new workout pants in the mail. so excited. they are a size smaller then the last pair i ordered. i am officially in the smallest size they offer for the plus sizes, and next order will be ‘normal’ sizes. that just blows my mind, really. i may have been just the tiniest bit preemptive on the pants, but i got a thumbs up from my boy, so i guess i’m good to go.

i have so many clothes that are just way to big for me…i’m thinking that i may give my clothing upcycle skills a whirl…

cut the string 7.0

today the big physical therapy test just about killed me. it was from 8 am to 1 pm. i was put through the ringer. i got to wear an awesome heart monitor under my shirt that was blue tooth to a watch i wore, and it showed my heart rate. i loved it, i’m such a dork. it was so cool to be able to see how my heart rate changed from doing even little things like putting on my shoes. i’m happy to report that i have excellent blood pressure. 118/84. whoo hoo. the pt took it twice tho. the last time i went to a new doc appoint the nurse took my pulse 3 times. people just don’t believe that a fatgirl can have a healthy heart, or be healthy. the nurse at the last appointment actually said ‘someone of your size shouldn’t have a heart rate that good.’ what. the. fuck. honestly. i bet i could outrun her any day. even with my jacked leg. someone of my size? bitch, i can leg press 200 lbs. yea.

dinner tonight was a vegan griller patty, on an onion bun, dry, and sweet potato.

i sure hope the five hour pt test counts as exercise, because that is all i did today.

and on that note, i’m hit. the struggle today had nothing to do with the diet, and everything to do with the leg…

cut the string 6.0

today was weigh in day. i lost one pound last week. not even, because it is a digital scale, i lost almost one pound, but damnit, i’m rounding up tonight. from what i saw posted on the facebook page a lot of girls had some AMAZING results this week. AWESOME! i am soooooo excited for everyone. i have to think back to when i first started this seriously and i lost ten pounds my first week. there is nothing like that feeling. this many months later, i’m happy to embrace that one pound. not saying i don’t want that bigger number….but slow and steady. better then gaining a pound. i’m not excited for the week when THAT happens. ha!

the nice thing about following a vegan diet, it makes it real easy to stay on track. tonight was a busy night, and we ate out, but we got subway. the suggestion of my lil veggi man. my subway trick? lots of veggis, tons of oregano, and vinegar (no oil) soaked into the bread. i recommend that even my none vegan friends skip the cheese at subway. the calorie content is not worth it for something you hardly even notice on the sandwich. i also love that they have coke zero on the fountain. i’m not one for soda, really, but that stuff is awesome.

i’m actually pretty stressed right now. i have a big test at physical therapy tomorrow. it’s a physical capability test…to see what i am still able to do with my car accident injuries. what kind of work i am going to be able to go back to. ugh. it starts at 8 am, and it’s like, some 5 hours long. wtf. i better burn a few calories at that thing, lol.

the banana chips with the cinnamon on top are fantastic…

cut the string 5.0

my first weigh in is tomorrow. i’m nervous, i’m excited. i can’t wait to see how everyone did in week one. from all the posts on the facebook page it seems like everyone is really trying hard and i hope everyone gets a little bit of progress. it’s really hard to stick with it when you have a dead week. at least it is week one. we are all new, and we are in this together!

i made a killer soup for dinner tonight. i love soup. it’s so good for you, you can fill it with vegetables, and we all know that hot liquid does wonders for that full factor. i added a lot of curry, turmeric, chili powder….spice is good for that full factor as well. usually when i make this soup i start out with a load of earth balance to saute ginger and curry paste with celery, onion, and green pepper….it’s supposed to be a sorta indian corn chowder deal and the earth balance does wonders for that richness. well, i used olive oil in place of the earth balance, and i didn’t notice a difference. most people use cream in chowder, but being vegan, it was not an issue. i added rice milk for the creaminess, but really, it was the corn meal that made it thick, and kept the fat level down. i love finding the little ways to keep things healthy.

right now my food dehydrator is going full speed and i have two trays of organic banana chips going down. i added some cinnamon to the top of some of them. we shall see how that turns out. i love the dehydrator so much. i don’t think it ever stops running. it’s really fantastic the awesome healthy stuff i can make with it. it’s great because if you keep the temp of fruits and veggis below 140 degrees f you do not lose the vitamin content. banana chips, apple chips, kiwi yumminess. i make fruit rollups with apple sauce, ginger, and cinnamon. i love that my son would turn away a packaged fruit roll up for one from the dehydrator. he would turn away a packaged fruit rollup anyway, really.

time to get some sleep before the big weigh in….