so i have not written in quite a long time. the fact of the matter is that i’m fucking depressed about the whole weight loss thing. the jillian videos, the physical therapy…i know that they are working, i know that they are doing what they are supposed to because inside i FEEL better…i just want to LOOK better, and WEIGH less.
it’s such a goat fuck….i know that i am wearing clothing sizes that are smaller then what i have worn in a long long time….clothing sizes i was wearing before i got pregnant. so why do i look at the scale and see nothing has changed? how much does all the metal in my leg really weigh? and why the fuck, when i look in the mirror, do i see the exact same person looking back at me? when i wear the clothes that are smaller sizes then what i’m used to, i feel like a fraud. i don’t want to be THAT girl who has fat rolls hanging over the top of her bra straps, or the muffin top over her jeans.
“you don’t look different, but you have changed, i’m looking through you, you’re not the same”
why do the beatles always get it right?
so at what point do i judge myself and how much i have changed….
lets look at the past year. i am at the one year mark of being vegan. i have gone from eating out more times a week then i would like to admit, to eating out twice a week. once at my beloved golden harvest, and our wednesday night before church tradition of noodles and company. i now make almost every thing that we put in our mouth from scratch. this week i start my bread making venture. it is the last thing that i don’t make myself. i have been purchasing vegan bread from a bakery. it is amazing to me the amount of money i have saved on food by purchasing big bags of staples. when i look around my kitchen i find a sweet satisfaction in seeing the big burlap sack of basmatti rice, and the big flour bag of whole wheat flour, and the paper sack of bread flour, and the paper sack of corn meal. i am so proud of myself for figuring out all these ways to make food that i never thought a vegan would eat. it’s more then just salads, people!
so, if i have the healthy food thing under control, and i have the work out thing under control (as much so with an injury like mine), and i have the portion thing under control, then what the hell is my problem? i feel like i’m missing out on something.
it seems like deep down i should be happy about this. my impact on my health (and the environment!) that this “diet” has made should have me ecstatic! feeling good on the inside is what counts right? i think what it comes down to, is that i am still fighting all the fat stereotypes. it’s one thing to look at me and assume that i’m lazy and i eat fried food and twinkies all day, because that is the association. i am fat, so i must be like that. i must have no idea what it is to be healthy. when, in actuality, i prob eat better then most of the people in this coffee shop i am in right now. i look at the food in my grocery cart, and i know i’m in the right.
so now it’s my issue…..damnit, why do i fucking care so much about what people think anyway….
3 comments
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March 1, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Amanda
It’s a tough road to walk…quite frankly, I don’t think any “regular” person will ever live up to the standards society sets.
If the scale isn’t changing, but you are wearing smaller clothes…pardon my bluntness, but maybe an attitude adjustment is needed?
There’s a few things I would say here, but I don’t think they’re appropriate at all since this is kind of public…lol. But basically…maybe the negative self-image is coming from /somewhere else/… *coughs*
Also, it takes a long time for a person to change their self-image. A successful person who has fallen on hard times will probably still view himself as a successful person, even though it doesn’t look like he is anymore. The same can be true for someone losing weight…you look in the mirror and you still see the same chubby person even though you clearly are not the same. I know I still struggle with this, too…those are the days I throw on a hoodie and sweatpants and say “FTW and what it thinks of me.”
This whole thing you are going through…it’s part of the process. Not everyone has to deal with it (lucky buggers!), but you do…so take it day by day. On those days when you are really feeling negative towards yourself, stand in front of the mirror and SAY positive things (don’t just think them!). Repeat them until you believe ‘em.
March 4, 2010 at 9:11 am
suzzzeq
Holy fuck! Bake that bread! I stopped giving a shit about what people thought a long time ago. As someone who has lost weight I can say it does not solve all of your problems. Instead of being round and plump when you were fat, you turn out looking like a wrinkly being resembling the cave monster from Pan’s Laberinth. My arms are so saggy that if I wave my arms too fast I’ll either kill someone or take off into flight. Saggy skin or not, I’m gonna rock the bikini this summer. I wore a bikini when I weighed 240 pounds too and I didnt give a shit then either. There I was 240 pounds with my Mtn. Dew walking around smoking cigarettes and not giving a shit. My advice: Don’t give a shit!
May 4, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Amanda
Aww, Amanda, I wish you’d continue with your blog! I’m debating starting one in hopes of forcing myself to focus better.